


A Room with Two Views

by lizziecrowe



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 10:19:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/797307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizziecrowe/pseuds/lizziecrowe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim carries a tune. with blacksmith tongs, while Blair slays a thought, and finds a whole new dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Room with Two Views

## A Room with Two Views

#### by Miraden

Author's website: <http://www.geocities.com/silverpheonixscion>  
Not mine. Not even close, because if they were, this would have happened ON SCREEN.  
I'd like to thank Dara for wading through the quagmire of my mind to Beta. *SNIFF* She's so brave.  
  
This story is a sequel to: 

* * *

Summary: Jim carries a tune with blacksmith tongs. 

The song's been playing now for easily three hours. The time doesn't feel like much right now, but the clock on the wall isn't as out of it as I am. I don't' think anyone could be this out of it without help. Me, I don't' need help. I am just a freak that way, I guess. I'm still surprised I was able to keep the truck on the road when I first heard this song on the radio. Now here I am, on my own couch with my very own copy, blasting the living hell out of my ears and my mind, all because some British Captain put into words the only thing I will never have the courage to face. 

It's starting again, and here comes all the pain with it. Again. Let it come. I deserve it. 

Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 

Three years. We've spent almost every waking moment together for three straight years, and to this day I'm still discovering new things about my best friend. Had I simply never paid attention? Blair always looks at me like I should know these things yet I don't. Had I just not cared at first? Was I truly that callous? That jaded? Blair has changed that. Blair has changed so much, and I haven't. I have been the steadfast fort of impenetrable idiocy. And Blair has weathered it all, to reach the deepest parts of me. 

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. 

But what have I done for Blair? I shoved him into a wall the first day I met him, and all he wanted to do was help me. His crackpot theories are the only reason I'm anywhere outside a loony bin right now, and I hurt him. I lashed out at everything he did, even when I was trying to protect him. Protect him. Yeah, some 'Blessed Protector' I turned out to be. I couldn't even keep him out of women trouble, let alone any other kind. 

So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. 

Maya. God, that bitch had done a number on Blair. And what did I do? I let him have his time, his space, even when all I wanted to do was go to him and hold him, comfort him in the way he'd always done for me. I felt his every sob, every tear that trekked down his face. I wanted to reach out to him, but he'd always been so skittish, so afraid. I didn't want him to bolt, but dear God, have I driven him away by giving him what I thought he needed? 

It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. 

And Alex. Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick, Alex. Not only could I not protect him, I couldn't even keep my dick in my pants long enough to see how much I was hurting him until it was too late. My heart still freezes every time I think about it. His clothes smelling like mildew. His hair snarled and sopping. Christ, I never thought I'd seen his eyes look so dull, so lost. And I'd done it to him. Alex didn't kill him. I did, with my negligence, my idiocy. 

I killed my best friend. And he's still here with me. My Guide. 

You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. 

And now here I sit, alone, as I should be. I don't deserve someone like him. He needs someone to be there for him, and I never have. He's put his whole life on hold for me, and all I ever did was give him grief. He's formed his career around me. He's pinned his hopes and dreams on me, and all I've done is make his life miserable. Putting him in danger, knowing he would never consent to just 'stay in the truck' and wait for me. He's taken such amazing care of me, and all I do is make him unhappy. Tear his theories apart with my anger and my fear, laugh at his natural way of doing things. Make fun of his hair, his clothes, his earrings, everything that makes him him. 

Even the times when he rushes headlong into some crazed situation after me, I feel so grateful when he's there, even knowing that if anything ever happened to him, I'd eat my gun. No thought, no decision, just simple fact. 

And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. 

The song goes on, so perfectly achingly alarmingly true, and I keep running my fingers through my hair like it's going to provide an answer. Why does he stay? Why does he put up with me? I look around this place, and he's everywhere I look. Little pieces of him everywhere. I can't believe how much of himself he's put into this place. This truly is our home. And now it's nothing without him here. Even now, looking at all his things, it still feels so hollow without him here. I smell him everywhere around me, inside me, but dear Gods without him here it's like a dream. A dream I know I'm going to wake from. 

I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. 

But is that so far off? I know one day he'll tire of me. One day I'll say something, do something, and he'll just let it all go. He'll give up the ghost, I know he will. I'm not worth all this. I know that now. He's put so much into this, into me, and I've made it all so hard. One day I'm going to come home and he won't be here, and I know it will be the end of me. 

I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you. 

I breathe deep, filling myself with his scent. Part shampoo, part incense, part just plain skin, and it all adds up to leave my eyes burning. To whatever Gods keep wayward Sentinels and their Guides, what did I ever do right to bring this man into my life? And what price could I pay to keep him? 

Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me. 

So many nights I've seen those eyes stare up at me, expecting, and I don't know what to say. I never do. I'm such a statue. Carolyn was right; I am a robot. I'm nothing without Blair to Guide me. 

But in my wildest dreams, he doesn't care about any of that. He reaches out to me, touching me, holding me, and I don't know what's different between that world and this, but he loves me. He says it, he shows it, and I can't keep from screaming with the sheer intensity of it. His eyes his touch, I don't even know what they'd be like but I do, I know. I feel his hands on me every day, feel his warmth when I touch him, just take make sure he's there. 

I am a dreamer but when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. 

But it's not real, none of it. Dreams don't make it real, even if I do want something. 

And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be 

I will wake from this dream, and my dream is Blair. Blair will leave me, and he'll take everything I am with him, leaving me as he found me: a shell. Alone. Miserable. Lonely. When he leaves, he'll take my soul, because otherwise it will die without him near. 

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. 

Can't stop shaking 

I've watched you sleeping for a while. 

Every night I listen to him breathing 

I'd be the father of your child. 

He'd have such beautiful children. He deserves love, a family, not some washed up freak of a cop 

I'd spend a lifetime with you. 

Gods, yes, in a heartbeat, his heartbeat 

I know your fears and you know mine. 

Only you, Blair. Only you know who I really am 

We've had our doubts but now we're fine, 

I want to believe it so much. Can't stop the tears. I'm so pathetic 

And I love you, I swear that's true. 

Can't be without you, Blair 

I cannot live without you. 

Please, please don't leave me 

Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me. 

Feel something, feel it pull my hands down from my face, the light in those eyes glittering beyond the saline in mine. Blair? Where did you come from? Oh, sweetheart, why do you look so sad? What did I do to make you look like this? I reach out to him, and his touch is electric. It burns, it freezes, his gaze makes my eyes hurt, but I can't look away. He looks so upset, afraid. I know I did this. I did this to him, too. Jesus, Blair, will you ever forgive me putting you through all this? 

And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep. 

He slips between my knees, close enough that his breath mingles with mine. I can smell him, and it isn't fear anymore. It's not even sadness. And I know he sees it all. He looks right through me, like he always has, and he sees me, sees me. He's the only person in the whole world who's ever seen this in me. My Guide, my friend, my best friend, my only friend. He sees my weakness, he knows my shame. And he cares. 

I take his hand in mine and can't help pressing it to my watered-down face. I hear his breath catch in his throat, and I want to scream until my throat cracks. No, sweetheart, don't feel that for me. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of this, of you. 

And I will bear my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet. 

"I'm so sorry." Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for doubting you. Sorry for making this so hard. I owe you everything. My life, my sanity, my heart. Yes, you have my heart, Blair. Always have, I was just too stubborn and stupid to admit it. 

Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend. 

"For what? Jeez, Jim, why didn't you tell me?" Because you weren't supposed to know. Because you weren't supposed to stay. You were supposed to leave and never come back and I was supposed to live alone, like I always have. I can't get the words out to save my life, but it doesn't really matter, not anymore. I'd never be able to tell him without ruining everything anyway. He's the one who's good with words, not me. I'd fuck it all up, and he'd leave, and I'd get my wish to be alone after all. Heaven help me 

You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me. 

"I didn't know. I never knew until" Oh god, this is so hard. I can't even look at him! And yet here he is, within reach, touching me. Touching me, holding onto me, like he cares. Like like he really wants to be here. 

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. 

I am nothing without you. 

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. 

I can feel the tears coming down my face again. I try to stop them, but I can't. And for once in my life, I don't hear my father's voice inside my head telling me I'm a weakling. I just hear him, Blair, his breathing, his heartbeat. His heart, the thing that keeps me sane when I can barely hold it all together. His heart, that brings me out of my worst zones simply by being there, constant, unending. Like Blair. 

My god, I need him so much. 

I love him 

"I couldn't I want" 

"Shhhh, it's ok." Jesus, those eyes. Does he even know how much they glow when he smiles like that? What does it mean? Why don't I know? I will, damn it all. I will know everything about this man before the end of my days. I swear it. 

"I'll stay as long as you want me here, Big Guy." I don't deserve this. It's all I can think of as he holds me, and my eyes refuse to turn off the faucets. I don't deserve this kindness, this devotion. I don't deserve him. But I'm not letting go. I can't. Not now, not ever again. Losing him once almost killed me. He's mine, and no one is taking him from me again. 

And I'm his, Gods forgive me. 

"Chief" 

"I'm here, Jim. I'm right here." Blair pulls just far enough back to touch me, my cheeks, my eyes, erasing my tears with those full, luscious lips, just like he does all the pain, the guilt. Can he taste them on me? Could he know? Of course he knows. He knows everything. He knows me. 

He licks my cheek one last time, and it makes me shiver. I want to taste him, too. I want to feel him, warm and wanting in my arms. I want to know what he sounds like up close and personal when he comes, not just second hand with tuned up hearing while he's jerking off in his room. I want to make love to him for hours, and it scares the living shit out of me to even think about, but I still want to. I want to so much it burns, but I can't. I know I can't. Not yet. Too much upheaval in one day; not enough said or done to make it worth risking everything. This is enough, this moment, this understanding. This will have to be enough, at least for now. 

I wrap myself around him and pull in tight as my forehead lands on his shoulder, just to make sure some of his scent rubs off on me, so I can keep it with me tonight. To sleep, and to dream of him. 

"Thank you." 

Ch. 2  
Summary: Blair slays a thought, finds a whole new dream. 

Colors, spinning, fluid, formless. I like these kinds of dreams. They don't mean anything, but they're so soothing to watch. So nice to listen to- 

Good gods, what the hell?! I bolt upright in bed, the sound still ringing in my ears as I hit the floor running. Or rather, trying to run in the overcrowded space that is my room and out the door and up the stairs before I even understand what my feet are doing. 

Hush now, don't you cry  
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye 

Not sure how I got up the stairs, but right now, I really don't care. My knees are locked up. I'm shaking and I can't stop. Jim Ellison, Ranger, Cop, all around great big guy, is curled up in a fetal ball on his bed. Screaming. 

You're lying safe in bed  
It was all a bad dream  
Spinning in your head 

Nightmares. Oh crap. For Jim this is like hell on Earth. He's a walking study in repression. Gods only knew what he was seeing, feeling. What door had been unlocked today? What dream world demon was touching my Jim? My knees unfreeze at that, a fierce need overcoming me. No one was going to hurt my Jim. No One. 

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain Of someone close to you leaving the game of life 

I move to him, and feel the heat radiating off his skin. Damn, bad one. But what? The jungle? The helicopter crash? No, that would be easy. His is something else. Something more. Good grief, he's not still worried about me, is he? Who am I kidding? When is he not worried about me? I'm his guide, but before that I was his pet project, his hobby, his ward. Well, not that bad, but some days I had to wonder. 

But the truth is I didn't mind much. I enjoyed having him fuss over me, and I like having him still do it now and then. I just wish it didn't have to take me almost getting killed to do it. 

So here it is, another chance  
Wide awake you face the day  
Your dream is over... or has it just begun? 

He hides sometimes in his zones, afraid of whatever has him spooked. He's hard to bring back like this, but this isn't a zone. This is a nightmare, and he's afraid. I've seen him afraid before, but he isn't seeing me, he isn't hearing me. Does he even know he's awake? Is he awake? I can't tell. I reach out slowly and touch his arm, and he jerks away, and it hurts me. He's never done that before, not even in his worst zones. Gods help me, what's done this to him? 

There's a place I like to hide  
A doorway that I run through in the night 

A single tendril of dread reaches out and wraps itself around my heart. Have I done this? Damn it, did I let this happen? I tried to be so careful, tried to notice everything. Supposed to be his Guide, damn it! I'm supposed to keep him sane, keep these kinds of things from happening! What did I miss that was this huge? Can't stand to see him like this. So scared he's in pain. How could I let this happen?! 

Breathe. Gotta breathe. Can't have a panic attack right now, not here. Gotta keep it together, for Jim. Never felt this for anyone before. Girls were such a waste, flings, decent sex, but before and after, nothing. I got off, got up, and we always said goodbye, but this is insane. Want to help him, want to make it all go away, but I don't know how, and I'm so glued to the ceiling right now I practically need a spatula to pry myself loose. Never been good with my emotions, damn my mother, giving me abandonment issues. Love her, hate her, need her, never want to see her again. 

Relax child, you were there  
But only didn't realize it and you were scared 

Jim. Need to focus on Jim. Love how he keeps me on track, how I keep him grounded. Always so strong, so vested. We keep each other sane, but now he's so afraid he doesn't even recognize my touch. Can he smell me? I run my hands near his face, forcing my scent on him. He leans toward it, seeking. Yes, Jim, come to me. Come back, I'm here. 

It's a place where you will learn  
To face your fears, retrace the years  
And ride the whims of your mind 

I touch his face. He doesn't pull away anymore. He moves with me, against me, hands reach out and grab at my bare chest and sides. His fingers don't grip me, but they touch me, flailing slowly, so slowly, like he doesn't understand what he's touching. He leans into me, into my touch, my hands on his shoulders, his at my waist and back. Pulls me so close I'm practically on top of him. 

Breath mixing, he smells so different than me, so nice, like hard work and safety and home. My Blessed Protector. God Jim, if only you were awake. Is this what you want? Do you want me close? If you do, then why do you push me away? Today was the first time I was allowed to get this close, and it felt so unreal, and so does this. He actually reached out to me, let me reach back, let me in. Never seen him look so lost, and he reached out to me. Wanted me to make it better. Want you so bad, want you to want me, too. 

Commanding in another world  
Suddenly you hear and see  
This magic new dimension 

Now he really is grabbing me, hard, digging into my ribs. Moving me, leaving bruises. I don't care. My head's spinning, drunk off so little sleep, high on him 

I- will be watching over you  
I- am gonna help you see it through 

Enquieri, take your Guide. Let him show you the path That voice. I know it, but from where? A cat roars in the back of my mind, lost, afraid, only to be answered by a deep, resonating howl, feels like it's from my own throat. The Panther. The Wolf. Yes, Jim, come to me. Take from me what you need, and let me take that fear, give you peace. My peace. Piece of me 

I- will protect you in the night  
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity 

I open my eyes, and James Joseph Ellison is looming before me. His eyes glow black in the moonlight, seeing and yet not, no intense, so blinding, can't look away. So warm, all over me. Jim all over me, holding me above him, captured. His legs caught in mine, he's moving me, rubbing against me, me against him. Sweet friction, sounds coming out of my mouth I can't control, yours too, Jim, can't hear words, just feel your breath, just feel you breathing so hard, your heart racing. Want to calm you. Want to feel you. Want to help you. Have to make you see it's me. Can't you feel me, Jim? Can't you see I love you? 

[Visualize your dream]  
[Record it in the present tense]  
[Put it into a permanent form] 

Tell me your dreams, Jim. Your best of the best, let me touch them, hold them to me, bring them to life if I can 

[If you persist in your efforts]  
[You can achieve dream control] 

Show me your fears, Jim. All of them, not just the ones you can handle, but the ones you can't. I'll fight them off with everything I am, keep you safe from them. You don't have to repress. Just let me in, let me help you. 

[Dream control]  
[How's that then, better?] 

Let me love you 

[Dream control] 

Faces touch. My hair falls forward, screening us from the world, surrounding him in my scent, me in Jim. His eyes are clenched shut. Pain? Fear? No, Jim, don't be afraid. I'm here. I'll protect you from this 

[Help me] 

My mouth touches his. Can't stop it to save my life. Gods, he tastes so good, so soft, so strong, pulling me to him in a way I'd only felt once before, beside a fountain, when he'd taken me bodily from Death's hands, breathed his life into me. I move against him, feel his mouth take hold of me, and I know I'm melting. Jim, want you, love you- 

If you open your mind for me  
You won't rely on open eyes to see 

His eyes are open, seeing. He freezes, and does my heart. Oh. Dear. God 

The walls you built within  
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin 

Ok, weirdness. He isn't bolting. He isn't panicking. He isn't dispatching me with extreme prejudice. This is good. This is so bad. This is He's staring at me. Focused, so focused, and I have to wonder what he sees, what he's thinking. I can't tell. He seems so blank, but just beneath the surface I can almost feel his emotions churning. And that's seriously dangerous. When he's emotional, he can kill without knowing, hurt himself and not realize it until like years later. Jim, man, talk to me. Tell me something, anything 

But he doesn't, and I realize then that it doesn't matter. Strong, deft fingers sink into my hair, massaging my scalp and holding me right where I am. Icy blue eyes melt before me, pulling me in so close that I can't help but push, just a little, my own eyes closing, my body limp, my mind all soft and fuzzy. Fuzzy like the short hairs on his head, so soft. Wanted to touch for so long. Mouth so warm, wet, tongue pushing into me, and I'm letting him. Can't deny him. He can take anything from me, just as long as he lets me stay, lets me need him. Need him to need me. 

Living twice at once you learn  
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain A soul set free to fly 

He pulls away and I'm so cold I have to open my eyes to make sure they don't freeze shut forever. But before I can even breathe he's pulling me down, pulling me in, holding me close until my cheek is pressed into his bare chest, my own heaving, drawing in air that doesn't even feel like it's there. 

A round trip journey in your head  
Master of illusion, can you realize  
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but... 

And this has to be the one and only time that we don't have to speak. And maybe the best communication we have is silent. I'm a talker, I admit it, and most of the time, Jim goes with. We work around it. But not now. Now, he just holds me, and I can feel him stop shaking, feel him breathe, and this thing washes over me like a tidal wave. It's slow, but it won't stop, and it's so beautiful, I can't help but pull into it, into him, breathe him in like I know he's doing for me. One day, he may tell me what this means to him, but I know what it means to me, and that's enough for tonight. Tonight is for him, and I'm staying for it all. 

I- will be watching over you  
I- am gonna help to see it through 

I pull the covers over us, cocooning us. His hand runs through my hair and down my back, pulling me closer. Yes, Jim, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I nuzzle further into his chest, feeling his breath move through my hair. Sleep, my Sentinel. I will keep you safe. 

I- will protect you in the night  
I- am smiling next to you.... 

* * *

End 

A Room with Two Views by Miraden: aladyofserenity@hotmail.com  
Author and story notes above.

Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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